Another well-known “people’s” way to “unkindle” – to remember the worst things about the former partner. Why is this method can not work?
Here everything is very simple. If the former partner was not unique, did not meet our needs very well, then remembering the bad things we will quickly see that we have not lost anything of value. What’s more, we may notice – there are plenty of other people around who can be replacements. In this case, there is no problem! Perhaps ego or resentment immediately prevented us from noticing the obvious. A critical look put everything in its place.
However, if the partner was truly unique in some way. If he met our needs at a high level, and others could not do it. That’s not where a method like this is going to help! Yes, there were bad things, but there were also very good things. A replacement can’t be found right away. And when the same person will appear – it is not clear!
In some sphere of relationships this person was so good that there were no others like him! For example: in the intimate sphere, he opened up such experiences that no one else has ever had before; there were emotionally vivid experiences next to him; he solved problems and cared, and there were no others willing to do that. And it becomes obvious that there is no one around who can even come close to that kind of quality interaction.
When we lose something very bright, important, and satisfying, and there is no substitute, the withdrawal begins. It’s useless to explain what the negative moments were! It’s like explaining to an alcoholic that vodka is harmful! How many times have we tried this kind of propaganda? Has it stopped even one alcoholic? Well, yes, vodka poisons the liver and the brain. But it brings relief from the burdens of life, makes a person liberated. And without vodka, everything is drab, uninteresting and burdensome. What will outweigh it?
The psyche must accept the loss and adapt. Unfortunately, this does not always happen by itself. This kind of withdrawal can greatly and for a long time spoil the quality of life. Also have a negative impact on future relationships. In such cases, you need to learn special psychological techniques that take away the withdrawal and dependence on the loss of a unique partner. That’s exactly what I do in my consultations!