In the article Why everything was perfect, and I got dumped? I started a very interesting topic. About our perception of the other person and relationships in general. Let me remind you – I have often encountered the question: “Why was everything normal in a relationship for many years, and then the partner suddenly left or cheated”.
In a previous article, we found out that relationships are non-static and the big problem is not seeing the dynamics that go on in them. By the way, the desire to initially determine whether or not a partner is “right” contributes to our blindness. Strange, isn’t it?
I will clarify this important point. When we try to determine how suitable a person is for us, a childish desire awakens in us to find such a partner who will bring only joy, comfort and happiness for the rest of his life. And so we begin to evaluate the candidate or candidates for our heart. Let’s assume that we have seen a lot of positive and pleasing to us traits and qualities in the new person. At this point, our consciousness makes an impression, similar to a sculpture made of stone. A static portrait of a person.
In a museum we can see sculptures that are several thousand years old. The sculpted characters stand in the same pose and with the same spear as they were sculpted many years ago. This is how we begin to see our partner. But there is a huge difference between a stone and a living person! Our consciousness becomes convinced that all is well and we can get on with other things. Our attention is focused anywhere but on what happens next with our partner!
In the same way, we ignore things that were already there and then seem to have disappeared. It’s like they don’t exist anymore! But they continue to be present and slowly destroy the relationship. For example: the partner wanted something in sex that we don’t want. Or he or she needs intimacy much more than we do. Here he or she has been molesting us with it, we’ve bounced him or her a couple of times, and the partner seems to have stopped annoying us with what we don’t want.
What conclusion do we draw? The other realized – we didn’t like it and he/she didn’t want it either. We fixed it, the problem is solved. But did the other partner’s desire disappear? Or temporarily did the other person just have to suppress the desire, and it will come back with renewed vigor? How will he or she deal with the issue? And it is under the pressure of desire that it will have to be solved!
Another example: The same scandal periodically occurs. Our partner is very unhappy, shouting, feeling bad. We do not give in, the other has nothing to do but calm down. This repeats itself many times. We think, he’ll yell and calm down. This is what is fixed in our minds. It seems to go on like this forever. As if you have recorded that scene on film and it will be played back the same way a million times! After all, the image will never change on film.
But the dynamics are there. Each time the other person’s patience gets less and less. It can last a very long time, but after a number of years the partner may finally get bored and leave. Because each time it was not the same scene. Each time the other person was one inch away from us. We just didn’t notice it. In the last article, there was a car example on this subject. As you can guess – centimeters eventually add up to kilometers. And that’s already a gulf between people!
What is the solution? A very good way is to keep a relationship journal. It would be better every day. But you can at least once a week write down everything that you vividly remember from what is happening in your relationship. And the good, and the bad, and the things that just somehow vividly imprinted in the memory. It is important to remember each day very carefully.
That way you can notice the negative trends. Positive and something that has repeated itself more than once. And of course it is important to do something about what you see right away. Don’t just watch as the relationship slowly drifts away into a mire in some aspect.
If you don’t take long notes, you won’t notice most of the trends for sure! You won’t see the dynamics of the relationship. Our mind is almost incapable of noticing small changes and small details that then add up to huge changes. You won’t like these changes at all, but it may be too late to change anything! We can only notice very big, fast, and dramatic changes. But that’s not enough to keep our relationships looking good and happy for a long time!