There is one phenomenon that almost everyone has observed in his life. But what to do with it, almost no one gives an answer. The phenomenon is very strange at first glance. It consists in the fact that when someone does something stupid in their relationship, we always see it from the outside. We also see simple solutions to these situations.
But when we find ourselves in similar situations, we stop seeing it, and we can’t apply our own advice! How many times have we been told, “He/she doesn’t love you! Get out of this relationship immediately! Why do you put up with it! There is nothing to fix here! Just find a normal person!” All of this advice was never heeded by other people. We didn’t follow it either, though. Let’s get to the bottom of this strange and confusing situation!
In this article I will highlight just one important reason. And so the main mistake when we look at the personal life of another person from the outside, is to misunderstand the forces that influence this person. These are the same forces that can work on us! So it is imperative that we take them into account!
For example, we see from our perspective that one person is using the other in a relationship. For some reason the other person tolerates all that and also does something good to the first one. It seems to us that the one who is being taken advantage of simply does not understand his/her deplorable situation! That is, the problem is in the mental evaluation. If this unreasonable person understands everything, he will immediately break off the relationship, find a “good” partner, and the problem will be solved completely!
But the other man’s problem is not in his awareness of his situation at all. His problem is the powerful forces that influence him. Let me make this comparison. It will immediately make very clear what is going on.
Imagine: you are standing on a road that is flat and comfortable for walking. On the sides of this road begins a swamp, which somewhere in the distance turns into an impassable quagmire and you can drown there. Ahead of you walks a man. Next to him walk evil creatures. They start beating the man with whips. The man wants to walk straight ahead on the good road. But under the pain of the beatings, he begins to turn into a swamp. He can do nothing, the pain makes him obey. And the creatures drive him farther and farther into the very mire.
Now imagine that you do not see these creatures. To you the picture is this, a strange man was walking along a straight road and suddenly he turned into a swamp. You shout to him: “Hey! Why are you going there! Just realize, you need to get back on the road right away! What a weirdo you are! You can’t understand basic things! After all, you’ll drown!”
But the other person doesn’t care about awareness. He is trying to dodge the whip somehow and reduce the pain. What a fool he is! You decide. But when you get to the same place, and now the evil creatures are starting to whip you, you run into the swamp, escaping the pain, perhaps faster than that “fool.
Now let’s apply this metaphor to relationships. When a person is deeply in love, the mere thought of losing a loved one causes a great deal of heartache. If the relationship has gone on for a long time at the expense of habit and affection, the pain can grow many times over! And these feelings – fear and pain, affect with tremendous force! Moreover, the breakup will not be a quick release, but rather a plunge into suffering, depression, lack of desire to have a new relationship, and that is not the whole list!
When we look at it from the outside, we don’t see the main thing, the very pain that the person is experiencing and that he wants to get rid of by all means possible. He does not care about our “right” speeches. We do not feel this kind of suffering, which makes it seem that everything is solved quickly and easily. Of course, when there is no infatuation, affection, fear, literal physical torment, it is easy to leave someone. But once we are confronted with such experiences, other songs begin immediately! Pain makes us change opinions and attitudes very quickly.
The solution to such situations is not in awareness, but in the ability to get rid of pain. There are special psychological techniques for this. This is a skill that, alas, we were not taught in childhood. But which I would strongly recommend that everyone master now! Otherwise, the pain will win and will not let you live a happy personal life!